Thoughts on a Lonely Night

Many nights ago, as I lay restless in my room, I heard a voice...a scream calling to me in the dark... At first I trembled...the unknown seemed to beckon me...I looked out the window and saw...nothing...darkeness over the water, the moon hiding behind the clouds...I gathered my strength and ventured outside...nothing...nothing...then the sounds...a whisper, a scream so loud it was barely heard... Fear gripped my heart..I turned, slowly, praying for a way to reach safety, when...there he was, a shadow...immobilized with fear I could only wait to be devoured... I closed my eyes and felt the shadow approach...the only sound now was the beating of my heart...I thought of my life, so empty, so full...was this the way it was meant to end? Silence...a breath....I'm still here...slowly I open my eyes...and I see yours...so dark but so kind...strong yet longing...fearless yet, oh so afraid...my heart, my heart is suddenly aching and I reach out to you...I pull you close and your darkness surrounds me...a whisper in my mind, your voice somehow inside me, asking if I'm willing... Again I close my eyes and I give myself to you...I feel your tortured soul reaching out to mine...and I weep for your pain...a promise you demand of me and I give it freely...I am yours...you take me in your arms and there, by the water's edge, surrounded by night and in deafening silence you make me your own...our tears, healing our aching souls...I feel you tremble in my arms and I give you my heart. Your voice, so soft, whispering to me...you will leave me before dawn...a promise I demand of you and you give it to me...you will come back to me...tonight...tomorrow...for eternity. And I, my love, will always wait for you, here, in the dark... Morning comes and I awake..alone, by the water's edge...I think of my dream but then I realize that I am naked...I feel your touch on my body...the mark of your love...and my heart soars. It wasn't a dream...you were here and we loved eachother with all the intensity of forever...and my soul knows the truth... You will always keep your promise. You will always return to me. You are mine as I am yours. The dark is no longer something to fear...I welcome it...the dark brings me my soul, my heart...you... The night is falling and I can feel my heart going wild with anticipation...my skin is desperate for your touch...my lips thirsty for your love...my soul soars with happiness... I hear a voice, a scream calling to me in the dark...and I fly.... Is it you, my love?

Deep in the night, I lie awake dreaming of you...the distance between us so wide...a sea of land stretching across an empty skyline. I wonder what you're doing...what you're thinking...am I there? in your thoughts...in your arms...in your heart... Can you feel me touching you with my mind...whispering in your ear...loving you in my heart.. I knew so long ago that you would come...I wanted you...I needed you...and now that you've made your way to me...I can't reach you. I long for you in the night and wonder if you think of me... Your strength, so overwhelming; your gentleness so comforting; your breath, so exciting; your touch, so complete... I can hear your soul brushing against mine...connected yet so far apart...I close my eyes and feel your skin so close to mine...we are one... Such a long time...waiting for you...hoping to find you...coming so close and then turning away...I won't turn away again...this time, I stay...this time I risk it all and hope your love will keep me safe...this time I give it all to you...please, please, give me warmth...I've been so cold...please...set me free from the cold darkness around me...I've held my breath for so long....please...help me breathe again...

I sit here today and it is storming outside. The rain rushes against my window and I can smell the incense I have burning. The sounds of Wagner fill the room and I can't help but think of you.

I wonder about this man who has taken possession of my heart...my mind....my soul; this stranger who seems to hold my very life in his hands. This kind giant who is little by little banishing fear from my life.

You have taken over my every waking moment and every dream. I find myself thinking of you in the most unrelated moments. Walking through a building or driving down the highway...someone tells me a joke and I think how you would find it funny....someone behind me laughs and I turn in shock, expecting to see you.

I wake up in the morning, and my arms hurt from not being able to hold you. I hear a song and I feel like crying when it speaks to me of you. I read poetry and my heart breaks as I see you in every line.

I sit at work and try to imagine you doing the same. I picture you going through your daily routines and I long to touch you. People crowd my space and I feel like screaming for you. Sights and sounds attack my senses and all I can do is close my eyes and think of you.

How can I love you? How can I love a man who is a continent away from me? Rivers, lakes, mountains and canyons separate us yet I'm closer to you than any to any other. People stand next to me and have no idea what my thoughts are...yet, you reach out to me across thousands of miles and instantly know what I'm feeling. I have asked you before to explain how you can know me so well....and I still don't understand.

I have loved before. You know this. But I have never felt this way before. I have never trusted anyone with so much faith. I can't remember anyone ever touching me as deeply as you. You have given me so much and I.... I have nothing I can give you.... only my heart.

You have taken me places I have never been. A few times you have scared me right out of my mind. I have never felt a fear so raw as you've made me feel. But....somehow you bring me back. I open my eyes and I am, again, in the safety of your arms. And I know that you will protect me...keep me safe. When I'm in your arms I realize....nothing can touch me. You keep all evil away and all I can give you is... humble gratitude.

For so long I waited for someone to make me feel the way you do. I dreamed of a love who would own me body and soul....who could read my mind and know my feelings; touch me and set my skin on fire. My heart goes wild at the sound of your voice. You have given me life; and all I can give you is...my soul.

Outside my window the rain still falls. The lake looks so angry. The storm is relentless.

And I wish you were with me.

I sit back and decide to put down my wishes. Like the little child who writes to Santa...I guess, even after all this time, I still believe.

I want to wake you in the morning with my touch. I want to open myself to you...for you. I want to do all the boring things like make you breakfast....or search for your socks.....I want to be happy all day.....anticipating the coming night...I want to walk with you, hand in hand.....and then lay before you...trembling...as you take me in ways I have never been taken before...and when you grow weary, I will take you in my arms and love you to sleep....I will hold you in my arms as I fall asleep....and you will be the last thing I see before my dreams of you begin....I want to be all things for you.

Yes. I confess. I'm a dreamer. For many years my dreams were locked away. Walls were carefully built. The path to them destroyed. And then one day...you pulled me to your side. You started me back on that forgotten road....tore down the walls and unlocked my soul. And it, having at long last found the one who would own it, bowed before you and took refuge in your hands.

You own it now. Just as you own my body and my heart. All I can do is remain secure in the knowledge that you will care for all three. That they are all safe with you.

The rain is still falling. The night is darker than ever. No moon will show it's light tonight. The sounds of thunder fill the night. And yet I hear my heart...crying out for you....lonely for it's master to come and make it safe.

Someday, my love, you will look at me and your eyes will shine with the light of love. Your breath will catch and your hand will tremble as you reach out to touch my face. Your heart will beat with the strength of a thousand drums as you pull me tight into your arms.

Someday, my love, your lips will part hungrily for mine and your pulse will race as our breath becomes one. Your skin will burn with the fires of desire as it touches mine. Your mind will explode into a million comets flying through the universe of our dreams.

Someday, my love, your soul will reach out to mine and they will take flight together towards the eternity of our love. Hand in hand we will swim through the oceans that could so easily have drowned us and we will live on the shores of our happiness. Surrounded by the cold darkness, our peace will shine and our love will keep us warm.

Someday, my love, we will come home. And at last, we will be safe.

Someday, my love, I will look at you and my eyes will no longer flood with tears at the emptiness in yours. I will hear your name and be able to breathe without having to force myself to do so. My heart will maintain it's steady beat as I watch you pulling someone else into your arms.

Someday, my love, the sight of your lips on someone else will not alter the pace of my pulse. My skin will not weep longing for your touch. My mind will not shut down at the memory of my broken dreams.

Someday, my love, my soul will be able to return to me. Alone in the darkness, we will learn to drown without fear. The cold will be a friend who will numb the pain. And peace will finally find us, as we slowly die in the night.

Someday, my love, I will forget I had a home. I will forget the safety of your arms. I will learn to live with my crushed dreams, my shattered heart...my dying soul.

But, never, my love, will I stop loving you.

© 1999 dragondreamer98@yahoo.com


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